I am about to tell you guys something wild but you have to promise to keep it absolutely between us and never speak about it in public not even to your mom.
Maybe I have a friend who invented a time machine for the Pentagon, maybe I don't. And maybe when this maybe friend needs to test the maybe machine I'm like hey no problem let's get all Sliders with this thing I mean no worries I'm from The Future anyway no wimps.
And my friend she's all yes but the Pentagon isn't interested in The Future.
So I'm like whoa creepy and the soundtrack picks up because next I'm like... What are they interested in, then?
SOUNDTRACK RISES TO ALARMING CRESCENDO
Then she admits that it's the past that the Pentagon is interested in and the audience's minds are blown while they evaluate the mystery and morality of this most devious governmental news.
But hey I'm just here to test the thing so I'm like ok what do we do?
To make a long story short we went all wayback to this pre-Civil War battle at Harpers Ferry you want proof that's fine check it I have to take photos for the experiment so that someone at the Pentagon can show Barack Obama what's really happening once he is on a need-to-know basis like Bill Pullman and Area 51 in Independence Day. Here is some proof straight out of my OFFICIAL REPORT:
John Brown?
No problem I know him who do you think told him to grow a beard?* GOSH.
Ho-hum these union troops do not look ready to take on Lee.
They need someone to get them pumped!**
Yes I would have wished those guys luck but I've already seen this one so I know how it ends up and I don't like war or violence and I didn't want to see John get nicked and besides they don't have Starbucks there so I had to swing by 2002 for a latte and get back to '09 to Tweet some of JB's OHs I mean that guy really can motivate.
I met JB once when we were teens too and he was very rough Mr. Darcy-ish in looks as a young man but that was then and this is now... and then. A different then. It's really weird to see him older like that and at war even before the war... like The Time Traveler's Wife but IRL and the wife travels instead of the husband except no one is married and I didn't see that movie, anyway.
The point is that JB gets caught by Lee BUT later on someone sneaky frees him. I have no idea who this subtle Ninja might be but it's probably kind of like HP3 at the end by the lake and randomly I happen to know the pre-Civil War version of a Patronus and yet am not mentioned in the Wikipedia article about John's rescue at all which clearly means something.
...And that's how the Civil War sparked and was won by the Union and slavery was abolished THE END + Copyright!: Don't even try to turn this in as your history paper. Boomshaka.
*Taken with John Brown's camera you can tell because it's Sepia
**Taken with the government's camera you can tell because it looks so Now
