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The Grass is Always Greener in the Future
Last night, during President Bush”s press conference, I was IMing with my pal Mish. We were talking about G.W. Bush, and the election, and what little else we actually know about politics. Check it out:
Mish: Bush sucks. Some voters need to vote him out.
Jessica: I know” But someone better needs to come along. I wish C.Sto were running for President. Then things would be better. Hey, did you know that Iraq is in the Middle East?
Mish: It is? Weird. Anyway, C.Sto should be President right now.
Jessica: Yeah, but we have to wait because there”s an age minimum. That will be sweet though. Hmm”
(Squiggly Wayne”s World Daydream Effect...)
When C.Sto becomes President:
She will marry Justin Timberlake and he will be known as “the First Lady.” He will break dance on the White House lawn everyday to raise money for homeless children. Wow, he”s really nice.
I will stay in the Lincoln bedroom whenever I want because Lincoln is my favorite President. Besides C.Sto. (She also will wear a top hat.)
The Hilton sisters will be deported to some country with weird diseases so that they can”t give the locals anything they don”t already have.
All wars will be settled via Mortal Kombat tournaments. This will make C.Sto and I Four Star Generals. In third world countries they can play RPS because they don”t have video games. I will still be a Four Star General, but C.Sto won't because she sucks at RPS.
The F* word will be used at least once per presidential speech and preferably before "Dick Cheney."
I will have secret service detail 24/7 so when I go clubbing I can dress them up like my badass posse and no one will step to me and try to serve me or anything like that. Or maybe I will hire secret service Ninjas. Anyway, later, if I get pulled over, a cop totally cannot give me a ticket. Plus, I could steal his hat and wear it and he couldn”t do anything. I could take his car, too. It”s true, totally true. The secret service outranks every cop in the galaxy.
The White House will officially be re-named Stover Mancha. A large painting of The Grizz will replace the one of George Washington.
I will use top-secret FBI equipment to read everybody”s e-mail. Then, if anyone tries to diss me, I can make fun of them for their spelling errors. BURN!
C.Sto will command Orlando Bloom to marry me. Oh wait, he”s British and that”s out of our jurisdiction... Aha! We will trade the British Prime Minister something important for Orlando Bloom. Like weapons. Or Mortal Kombat war codes.
All sequels for movies will follow the 2 Fast, 2 Furious model. This will eliminate confusion, creativity and stupid movie titles. And it will save time so that studio producers can drink more mimosas as at the Four Seasons.
Examples:
2 Harry 2 Potter
2 Legally 2 Blonde
2 Hell 2 Boy
2 Kill 2 Bill
2 Star 2 Wars
”It works for every movie. All the time. Yeah.
I will be appointed Secretary of Entertainment. Then I will ban all special edition DVDs and force studios to release BOTH editions of the movie on ONE DVD. Foolios.
Riiiiing. RIIIIIIIING.
(...Squiggly Coming-Out-of-Daydream Effect.)
Jessica: Someone is calling my cell. Which totally pisses me off because I was making a mental list of cool shit that will happen when C.Sto is elected President. Gatta go.
Mish: That will be cool. Send me that list. ttyl.
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