II. Distraction< Previous Chapter | Next Chapter >

Inbox: Haiku 

Hey Jess, you asked us to write some Haiku for you.

Yes. And, only one person did. I hate you all.

Why don't you write some for us? Scottie, WV


You asked, I deliver. Don't get used to that kind of treatment, though. I'm not some little Haiku puppet here for your own personal amusement. OK, so I am here for your amusement, but I got no strings, ya hear me?

This Haiku is somewhat untraditional because the subject is not about nature and the great outdoors. It is more about the human nature that you discover within, which is as natural as it gets. Prepare yourself because it's really deep:

To be so awesome
Is a crime against nature
So arrest me, fool.

This one refers to this time when I was reading:

Midnight passes me...
Lord of the Rings books open...
Break for sleep? No way.

And this one is about the camping epic I never delivered:

O, Camping Epic,
I should write you brilliantly.
Thwarted!: Writer's block.

Here is the entire camping epic delivered in Haiku form:

Freezing cold rain falls
On roller coaster mountains...
We will die out here.

The rest of the epic will come via photos once I get an hour or so to put them on the site. Which will probably be never. Or maybe this weekend.

Haiku me back, yo. Perhaps we will all graduate to Limericks in the coming weeks. I'm working on one now. It's about how months after Christmas my Mom still has not shipped me the Gamecube that C.Sto got me. WTF is up with that, M.Sto?!

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Jessica vs. The Goo Monster 

The Internet villainy alert has been upgraded to fuchsia. Terror imminent!

As usual, I was right. Kyle and the Digibyte Kid were plotting a supremely evil plan. First, they created a Goo Monster, then, they sent me a video to show me what will happen to me when they deliver the Goo Monster to me via FedEx. It will probably come on Valentine's Day and I will think, "Oh, goodie! Flowers!" or, "Candy!" I will open it and... Well, you can watch the rest.

Jessica vs. The Goo Monster(wmv file)

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Inbox: Day of Questions 

The following are e-mails that I received today. TODAY! In one day, I received all of this madness. And, this is only a sample. People are smart, and I am an expert on everything.

I have the house to myself wooo hooo wanna come over? -- John
If your name is on the following list then I will definitely come over. And bring popcorn. And a movie for us to watch. Check the list for your name.

hey jess i know i have asked you this before, but i need 2 know how 2 french kiss. i know you stick in your tongue..but ..i mean what do you do once its in there??? -- Amber
French!? That is totally played out. It's called "Freedom kissing" and has been for some time. The new thing is Eskimo kissing. I think it's like something tribal, or something. It involves rubbing your noses together like cute little puppies until everyone around you dry heaves.

Have you been on a date lately? If not will you go out with me? -- Jim
Not really and see question one.

Do you like the color blue? -- Bethany
Yes. Unless it is a blue goo monster. Then I hate it because I fear the goo.

Where has CSto been lately? I've noticed that she's not on the site. -- Mark
She was getting too famous so I locked her in the wine cellar at Stover Mancha. Of course, now M.Sto will probably let her out and she will be drunk from drinking too much wine. Then she will go to jail for underage drinking. So I still win.

What do Queen Kyle and the Digibyte Kid look like?!!? They sound hott!!!! -- Sara
They look like evil super villains. Except they wear boy scout uniforms instead of costumes. (You guys should get capes, or something.) I don't think they are allowed to date yet, Sara, so you'll have to wait until they finish evil villain puberty.

You really are awesome. Why are you so awesome? -- Matt
Some are born into awesomeness, some have awesomeness thrust upon them and some work their whole lives to achieve awesomeness. I'm the first. It took me a long time to embrace my destiny, (I never asked to be awesome, after all,) but I have finally come to terms with it.

Have you ever thought about becomming a Ninja? -- Marie
Only to spy on the other Ninjas because I'm a Pirate and Pirates hate Ninjas. Ninjas are likes cats and fear the water, so they can't get to us on our ships even though we can totally infiltrate their dojos.

Why is The Gunn's identity a secret? -- Carrie
Because he is a world famous hacker and all of his hacker friends would make fun of him if they knew he was a webmaster. (Hackers hate Webmasters just like Ninjas hate Pirates.)

How many posts backs do you read the comments on? -- Risken
All of them. I read my entire site daily. You should too. Then get a new name... like... Ted. That would be most excellent.

Jess I love you man. Why don't you come up in Google anymore? -- Jenni
Because Google fucking sucks.

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