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Star Wars: Instant Messenger 

Jessica: Dude, I just counted and I have twice the IM entries as you. It’s 46 to 86.
Jessica: (Surprisingly.)
ClintoBean: Twice as many?
Jessica: I would have thought it would have been more. Anyway, I win. 2 to 1.
ClintoBean: Oh I see: You think I talk that little.
Jessica: Or I talk that much.
Jessica: On second thought, it is definitely a lacking on your side.
Jessica: As I am awesome in every way.
Jessica: Except the mathematical way. But that way sucks.
ClintoBean: Yes, that is a bad way.
Jessica: Yes. That is the way to the dark side.
Jessica: Hatred, anger... all lead to the mathematical way.
Jessica: Dude, the name for SW Episode 3 is:
Jessica: Revenge of the Sith
Jessica: Revenge of the Nerds
Jessica: It could be worse. (Attack of the Clones)
ClintoBean: That's pretty bad.
Jessica: Yes. It could be better.
Jessica: Revenge is a much more loaded word than “Return” as in Return of the Jedi. Ep. 4-6 have such simple, excellent titles.
ClintoBean: What was the second one called?
Jessica: Attack of the Clones.
Jessica: Which sounds like a parody
Jessica: Like Space Balls.
ClintoBean: Kind of. At least that has some basis since, in Episode 5, Ben talks about the clone wars.
Jessica: And Phantom Menace is too heavy handed. It's like two thesarus words smugly put together.
Jessica: Well Ep. 2 is the beg. of the Clone Wars.
Jessica: But it just sounds comical.
Jessica: ”Ahhhh it's the attack of the clones!”
Jessica: Like the attack of the 40 foot woman, or something.
Jessica: Attack of the overly large bunnies!
Jessica: Comical.
ClintoBean: Yes. "The Clone Wars" would have been much better.
Jessica: Star Wars: Clone Wars was the TV anime series, which I enjoyed.
Jessica: But Ep. 2 is not the actual Clone Wars.
Jessica: It is what leads up to the Clone Wars.
Jessica: The resolution is basically that the war has begun. (“Begun, this clone war has.” – Yoda)
ClintoBean: True, but you can't very well call it "The Incidents, Conflicts, Conversations, and Sex Acts That Lead To The Clone Wars".
Jessica: Let me try to think up a better title.
Jessica: Star Wars: Secret Army.
Two Armies.
Maybe I should focus on the love story?
Star Wars: Bad Acting
Jessica: Star Wars: The Creeping Suspician
Jessica: Oh wait, that's basically The Phantom Menace.
ClintoBean: Star Wars: Attack of The Gigantic Ass Monsters That Graze While Padme and Anakin Make Out.
Jessica: Haha--Those things are wack.
ClintoBean: Out of Control.
Jessica: They're like cows with big rumps yo. And little heads.
Jessica: That is cracking me up, but I am still on target.
Jessica: Star Wars: Political Confusion
Jessica: Star Wars: Rogue Chanceller
Jessica: Star Wars: Cry Baby Anakin
Jessica: Star Wars: Forbidden Alliance
Jessica: That sounds like a video game.
Jessica: I rule.
Jessica: Star Wars: Jessica Rules
ClintoBean: Star Wars: Obvious Parallel To The Coliseum.
Jessica: Star Wars: Not as bad as Episode One but still sucky.
ClintoBean: Nice one.
Jessica: Star Wars: Nice one.
Jessica: Star Wars: Because We Can.
Jessica: They need to make a movie called
Star Wars: Jedi Gangstahs
I'd see that.
Jessica: I need to stop watching the SW Gangstah Rap.
ClintoBean: The Starry and the Warriorlike.
Jessica: Star Wars of our Lives
Jessica: (Are we on a soap kick?)
Jessica: Anakin's Creek
Jessica: The S.W.
Jessica: Or were you referring to Fast and Furious? In which case: 2 Star 2 Wars. Rock that, biotch.
ClintoBean: Tantooie Confidential.
Jessica: Oooo touché.
Jessica: The Lord of the Light Sabers.
Jessica: (BTW, that is totally me)
Jessica: (The "Lord.")
Jessica: (That is.)
ClintoBean: Yes.
Jessica: Gone in 60 Parsecs
ClintoBean: Tiefighter!
Jessica: Crouching Jedi, Hidden Vader
Jessica: Boo-yah!
Jessica: Sith Club
Jessica: “First rule of Sith Club, Never talk about Sith Club.”
Jessica: Vader vs. Emperor
Whoever wins... we lose.
Jessica: i, Jedi
Jessica: This could go on for hours. We better stop.
Jessica: And now, I will retire.
ClintoBean: Fair enough.
ClintoBean: Take it easy.
Jessica: PO, foolio.

Update: Lookatthis.

ClintoBean: Ohh, what the fuck is that?
Jessica: Kyle’s interpretation of how we are huge nerds or something.
ClintoBean: I am not fucking homestarrunner.

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Code Orange 

Jessica: I feel the need to tell you that Elijah Wood is online and he has a 10% warning level. He is SO in trouble.
VeggieGirl: LOL
Jessica: I mean, who warns Frodo Baggins? That is definitely not cool. He saved Middle Earth! He must have done something wicked bad...
VeggieGirl: i dunno! thats so funny.
Jessica: He also has a snazzy new icon, which is obviously a photo he took of himself with a digital camera.
Jessica: (Because his head is really big and close to the camera.)
VeggieGirl: omg. thats so vain. a pic of himself. ah, but i still luv him hehe
Jessica: Well, lots of people have pix of themselves
Jessica: I mean, my icon is my website logo.
Jessica: And if it weren’t, it definitely would be a photo of ME.
Jessica: Or of a Ninja.
Jessica: Or of me as a Ninja.
VeggieGirl: yah but yours is just an icon. so thats not so vain. lol
Jessica: Yes, mine is less vain than usual.
Jessica: Of course, I do have an entire site dedicated to ME.
VeggieGirl: thats true. i take it back then. you are VAIN. haha
Jessica: Did I mention that the 10% warning for Elijah Wood is showing up on my buddy list and making his sn orange?
Jessica: It is making me want to warn him.
Jessica: Just to see if it turns red.
Jessica: It's like the terror level.
Jessica: Elijah Wood is obviously a terrorist.
VeggieGirl: NOOO!!! not frodo!
VeggieGirl: you should warn him and maybe he'll talk to you
Jessica: Yeah, or I could just IM him if I wanted to talk to him.
VeggieGirl: well then you should ask him why he isnt in a movie this christmas!!!
Jessica: I’m not allowed to IM him anymore.
VeggieGirl: why?
Jessica: Because I'm not a traitor to America, fool.

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The Eternal Debate 

Jessica: OMG so can I call you to tell you about the cookout I went to in Malibu yesterday?
Jessica: This story involves beer pong and Mortal Kombat on 64.
C.Sto: Mortal Kombat, huh? Just IM me.
Jessica: Seriously, dude
Jessica: Call me.
C.Sto: Let me guess, spoiled rich kids from Malibu play beer pong with ping-pong paddles?
Jessica: WTF!
Jessica: Dude, C.Sto,
Jessica: I have never been so freaked out in my life.
Jessica: It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. They have only two cups and you have to play ping-pong and hit the other person’s cup. And it has sips/points. You don’t even have to make it in to make them take a sip or whatever. And the game is totally slow because you have to “lob” the ball. It’s like an old man’s game. In a bad way. (Unlike Gin which is an old man’s game in a good way.)
Jessica: Their CA ping-pong with beer game is the stupidest most boring stupid game ever. And they actually think that game is beer pong and get excited about it!
C.Sto: You really don't get out much.
Jessica: My beer pong partner and I were like, "that is so not beer pong."
C.Sto: So you made them play your way and kicked their asses?
Jessica: Yes.
Jessica: After they talked shit about how boring and easy true beer pong would be... Ta-dow! They got beer pong served.
Jessica: Wait, how do you know of this imposter beer pong?
C.Sto: Mom told me the entire story already.
Jessica: Oh. Well fuck you.
Jessica: Call me, M.Sto probably messed up the story.
C.Sto: Can you tell me the story tomorrow?
C.Sto: I just want to sit and read
C.Sto: Wow, did you ever think you would hear me say that?
C.Sto: ttyl
“C.Sto:” signed off at 6:21:27 PM.
Jessica: Damn you!
“C.Sto:” is still signed off at 6:21:29 PM.
Jessica: Damn you!

Since C.Sto was tied up with a reread of Harry Potter, I struck out on my own and browsed the Internet for “beer pong rules.” Here is what I found: NBPL Rules

Sources also state that VA is one of the most competitive beer pong states. Rock. As we were one of the first colonies/states, we obviously have more say when it comes to official beer ponging.

I still wanted an official source to back me up, so I rattled an e-mail off to the National Beer Pong League:

Dear Beer Pong... Person,

I recently moved from VA to Los Angeles. Yesterday, I was in Malibu and was exposed to that ping-pong game with beer that they call "beer pong." I freaked out -- "There are NO paddles in BEER PONG!" It was like I was on a different planet. Like an episode of 'Star Trek,' or something.

I browsed your site but I must know, which beer pong is the first/right beer pong? Clearly my way is right because it is far more challenging and superior, but I'm seeking an official source so that I may rub it in the face of those Malibu punks. (Who, btw, I totally dominated in TRUE beer pong. I'm awesome.)

Anyway, down with paddles.

So the beer pong person e-mailed me back almost immediately with the subject line: “The Eternal Debate.”

Hey Jessica,

This sort of argument happens a lot when you mix people from different geographic regions, especially during the first couple of weeks of college, as well as the Summer Olympics. We must learn to be tolerant of our brethren who choose to use paddles in their drinking games. Perhaps they have finger-muscle problems that don't allow them to grip a ball properly.

take care,

Apparently, this has been an ongoing debate that dates back to the time when CA first became a state and thus thought they should have the right to fuck up a perfectly good east coast game. I think the ruining of beer pong happened sometime between the gold rush and the movie The Mask of Zorro, but I’d have to check my timeline of historical California events to be sure.

Never before have I bought into the whole westside vs. eastside conflict, (which mostly takes place in rap songs and during gang fights,) however, after witnessing the lack of respect for beer pong this weekend, I am totally flashing my eastside gang sign whenever drinking games are involved.

In conclusion, beer pong does not involve paddles. Anyone who plays that way better reexamine their entire life right now and make a serious change. Seriously, I’m serious.

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Smarter, Smartest 

C3PSto: Jessica, I'm smarter than you.
Jessica: OK, Jason.
C3PSto: lol
C3PSto: Yeah I said that on purpose.
Jessica: Yeah no shit.
C3PSto: Because I still think it's funny that Jason had to tell you he is smarter than you.
C3PSto: Because that automatically means that he knows he's not smarter than you.
Jessica: Well, I think all summer long I treated Jason and Jimmy like they were both less than smart.
Jessica: ie I was always like "good one, smart guy." As if it was expected when they did stupid junk.
Jessica: And that it was common knowledge that I am smarter.
C3PSto: Yeah, I do that too though. I treat boys like I’m smarter than them
C3PSto: because I am
C3PSto: all boys, everywhere
Jessica: I do that, too.
Jessica: We get it from M.Sto doing that to The Grizz.
C3PSto: Yeah, you're totally right.
Jessica: If I post this on my site she will freak!
C3PSto: Yeah she will
Jessica: She’ll call me a dumbass.
Jessica: Or the mayor of dumbassville.
Jessica: Or, if she's cool, she'll call me a jacqueminot dumbass.
C3PSto: And it probably won't make Dad too happy.
Jessica: Um, The Grizz doesn't use the Internet.
Jessica: Sohe'llneverknow.
C3PSto: Yeah, I know, but mom would tell him
Jessica: She's got a big mouth.
C3PSto: Yeah she does.
Jessica: Oh man, she’s going to kill me. Maybe I can distract her with this awesome teaser poster.

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One day:
Jessica: Sup?
Jessica: It is rare that I see you online during the daylight hours.
ClintoBean: I know.
ClintoBean: I'm Googlewhacking. *
Jessica: I know what Googlebombing is…
Jessica: But WTF is Googlewhacking?
ClintoBean: A two word search that turns up exactly one hit.
Jessica: So you are trying to come up with phrases that yield only one hit?
ClintoBean: Not phrases. Any two words.
Jessica: You realize that you could be writing one of your interesting poems.
ClintoBean: Yes.
ClintoBean: But this amuses me because it involves odd and uncommon words.
Jessica: Give me an example.
Jessica: Make it a good one.
ClintoBean: Ok.
ClintoBean: Gruntle Clint.
ClintoBean: Try to find one. It's harder than you think.
Jessica: It is!
Jessica: I tried “risque feet”
Jessica: And that gave me 10 pages.
Jessica: (That was the first thing that popped into my head.)
ClintoBean: Well yes. That's what got me started. I wanted to know just how often the word was used. I figured that googling it would be a good test. So far, I've found 8 googlewhacks that use the word gruntle in some way (gruntle, gruntled, gruntling).
ClintoBean: And I just found "driveshaft discombobulation".
Jessica: OOOoooo "Aegis Deities" only had four responses.
ClintoBean: (Both words, by the way, must appear on dictionary.com).
Jessica: Dammit.
Jessica: It helps if you misspell one of them.
ClintoBean: Yes it does.
Jessica: (Which I just noticed I did.)
Jessica: Now you have made me obsessed with googlewacking.
Jessica: Damn you. I can't stop until I win.
ClintoBean: I've gotten two more.
Jessica: Well, I had to stop to go dry my hair.
Jessica: As it was wet.
Jessica: So now I'm back after a brief TO.
ClintoBean: I've gotten "driveshaft discombobulation", "discombobulated grizzle", and "heptathlon tomfoolery".
Jessica: I hate you.
Jessica: And I hate this game.
ClintoBean: Oh, I fucking win. I'll keep this in mind the next time I play rummy or candyland or some other thing with you.
Jessica: Even this didn't work: "prognostic mollusks"
ClintoBean: If you go to the Googlewhack website (www.googlewhack.com) you'll see me on the whack stack at 1, 2, and 3.
Jessica: We have not played rummy.
ClintoBean: www.googlewhack.com
ClintoBean: Gin.
ClintoBean: I mean.
ClintoBean: Some booze-related name.
Jessica: You got schooled at Gin. And Rat Screw.
Jessica: Haha you are some kind of Googlewack champion.
ClintoBean: Nonreturnable underpants is one.
ClintoBean: But not mine.
Jessica: It's too bad that this doesn't pay money.
Jessica: Like competitive video gaming.
ClintoBean: No shit. Isn't it awesome?
Jessica: Or cards.
Jessica: I'm sure somewhere there is even a candyland competition with a cash prize.
Jessica: BTW: I have beat you a lot of games.
Jessica: So I don't mind losing at this one since you tricked me and are secretly some kind of International Googlewhack Wizard
Jessica: of sorts.
Jessica: And I have never run into a mirror. ...And then, after having run into the mirror, apologized to my reflection thinking it was another person.
ClintoBean: Gregarious whoremaster is a Googlewhack.
Jessica: That's a good one.
Jessica: But no amount of Googlewhacking will make up for that mirror incident.

One week later:
ClintoBean: I have found so many Googlewhacks.
Jessica: Can I have your autograph?
ClintoBean: My friend Henry wrote a computer program to beat me and I am winning 15-1.
ClintoBean: I also have the longest run of consecutive googlewhacks on www.googlewhack.com within the last 2000 entries.
Jessica: Seriously, FED EX me that autograph ASAP so that I can sell it on eBay
Jessica: Sign it "Prof. Bean, the Googlewhack all-star of the galaxy."
Jessica: Or something fancy.
Jessica: Whatever your googlewhack title is.
ClintoBean: My friend is now obsessed with writing a program to beat me.
Jessica: Why doesn't he just try to beat you himself?
Jessica: He sounds like a Googlewimp.
ClintoBean: He's a comp. programmer. It's more interesting for him to write a program.
Jessica: I will pardon him, then.
ClintoBean: Fubby blasting
ClintoBean: is a Googlewhack.
Jessica: Now you’re just showing off.
ClintoBean: One of my favorite googlwhacks that I've found, by the way, is leprechaun replicon.
Jessica: I like that one as well.
Jessica: I would think that “leprechaun” would be a difficult one.
Jessica: Try to find one with Jessica
ClintoBean: Ok.
Jessica: Then I will give you mad props.
Jessica: As that is the most common name ever.
Jessica: Well, almost.
Jessica: If it rhymes, I will give you bonus props.
ClintoBean: Ok. that one will be hard though.
ClintoBean: Oh, almost had one with your name.
ClintoBean: But the one result is a word list, which is ineligible.
Jessica: Well, you better hurry up. It has already taken you a full thirty seconds. You’ll lose your title.
ClintoBean: Got one.
ClintoBean: Hmmm..it won't let me register it, even though it is technically legitimate.
Jessica: Does it involve the word "awesome"
Jessica: …b/c it should. That word is awesome.
ClintoBean: No. Habenular Jessica gets one result.
Jessica: What is a “habenular.”
Jessica: And, it better not be something lame.
ClintoBean: Pertaining to some part of a plant.
Jessica: I'll allow it.
Jessica: Although you should find a complicated word that means "pretty" and try that instead.
Jessica: Pretty Jessica...
Jessica: That's totally more acceptable.
ClintoBean: I just tried quean jessica and got 200 hits.
Jessica: What's a “quean”?
Jessica: I am too lazy to look words up. (For once.)
ClintoBean: I found it by entering an intentionally misspelled word into dictionary.com
Jessica: So you aren't going to tell me what it means.
ClintoBean: It's a scottish word for a prostitute.
ClintoBean: http://www.googlewhack.com/tally.pl
ClintoBean: Got one.
Jessica: Oh fuck you.
Jessica: Prostitute Jessica?
Jessica: I'll kick your ass for that, you mirror-loving prat!
ClintoBean: Ecophene Jessica is the Googlewhack.
Jessica: And what does that mean?
ClintoBean: Ecophene is a medical word referring to all combinations of genes involved in a given behavior or habit. Something like that.
Jessica: Oh. Ho hum.
Jessica: Good job, old man.
Jessica: You really know how to wack the Google.
ClintoBean: Hey, that was a hard one.

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