| Entry: Our Final Hour |  | = Official Comment |
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| From Shawn |
| For a moment it seemed that the old man had forgotten Frances. |
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From Curt Sawyer
Website: http://home.nyc.rr.com/csawyer |
| Point of Order - Did you want someone to write more than a single line and to try to tie everything together? Or did you want to continue with the one-line per person restriction? |
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| From Jessica Mae |
Curt,
Whatever will get us there. |
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| From Jessica Mae |
Now that we are editing, (thanks to Curt, who e-mailed me the final chunk,) we also need a title.
Also, if I agree with your edit, then I will make the change ASAP. |
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| From henry |
"Aye."
A voice from no where in particular boomed, in a deep, somber tenor: "Welcome back, Garron, it has been a long time," and Frances shuddered to here the name his father swore would never be spoken in his house; Garron, father of Gary, father of Frances.
"Who...wha...where am I?", Frances muttered.
Suddenly, Francis was released.
I think that last line ("Suddenly, Frances was released.") should be moved after the "Aye." |
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From Richardg
Website: http://www.richardgoodwin.com |
Titles...
"Around here" (a play on the exercise ("a round" story)
"Hindsight" (meaning both the clarity and regret of past actions, and a twist on the 'eye'/'aye' theme)
"Sins of Our Fathers" (a gimme, but it does garner interest)
On the right track? By the way, can we RSS subscribe to comments of articles? My self inflicted ADD results in me not coming back to check often enough  |
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From Rob
Website: http://www.houseofklause.com |
| I'm trying to wipe my eye with my elbow. I know I have long arms but I'm pretty sure it's not possible. I don't know-- I'll keep trying. I'll let you know... Dear Lord something just popped-- oh my. |
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| From Q |
| Damn fantastic adventure. Nice job, all! |
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| From Black Beard |
"Peepers Creepers"
"Eye of the Beholder"
"Blind Truth" |
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From Curt Sawyer
Website: http://ussexcalibur.blogspot.com |
Dude, maybe you should have that elbow checked?
Ok, ok. Not exactly rubbing with his elbow, but more the crook of his arm perhaps. Maybe his bicep? Is putting your elbow in your eye kind of like putting your elbow in your ear? I knew this double-jointed kid in High School who could twist his arm completely around about 1.5 times...but now I digress.
Maybe we drop the elbow and make it his sleeve, and change the sentence in the last paragraph to be "wiped the blood from his sleeve...". |
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| From Jessica Mae |
I edited the elbow bit (per Rob's suggestion) and tweaked a few things. See for yourself. What else? What else? I think we have a work to do on Frances' relationship with his father and in justifying how he behaves in the last lines. Basically, anything that doesn't make absolute sense should be edited. I await your notes.
You all should be damn proud of this entire thing. |
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| From Black Beard |
| Does Gary have to die? It's dark, but technically spelled out in the Code. Is this what is suggested by "they finally had something to talk about?" |
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| From Jessica Mae |
Could be, but I think more so we need to set up why Frances didn't feel that they had anything to talk about in the first place. i.e.: Why does he feel that his experience of losing an eye (not to mention having to deal with scolding resulting from the trashed basement) is worth the trouble? Why is he kicking back? Clearly he has gone through some sort of change and has a new attitude toward his relationship with his father. So what did it change from? How was it to begin with? This needs to be set up in the beginning and developed throughout. (Character arc.)
As for the very end/what will happen between Frances and his father after this story re: the eye/Code, I like the idea of leaving some things to the imagination. However, we have to know what Frances' point of view toward his father is in the beginning so that we can see where it might go now that he has new information about his family and an empty eye socket. What is worth more to Frances than his eye?
For instance, if Frances' father only spoke to him to say things like, "You aren't honest enough, boy. Always honor your word!" And, say we knew that Frances was bothered by this, then we would know by the end he had found out that his father had not honored the code, (hence, that his father is dishonest,) and so he would have something to talk to him about, I'm sure.
Or, perhaps whenever Frances caught his father doing something peculiar, Gary would never explain claiming, "you wouldn't understand." Maybe this dissapointed Frances, and he really wanted his father to let him in. Well, now, at the end, our Frances would delight in sharing his new knowledge of family secrets with his father and being deemed worthy in process.
Not the best examples, but you see where I'm going. |
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From Curt Sawyer
Website: http://ussexcalibur.blogspot.com |
| Maybe I'll take a stab at it this weekend if I have time between the baby shower and everything else going on. |
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| From Shawn |
To be inserted after the opening sentence ("Frances never had questioned why his father had stacked boxes in front of the fireplace in the basement, or, even more peculiarly, why he insisted that no one touch them.")
In fact, Frances didn’t ever question what his father said. His father was the type of man who expected to be obeyed and Frances was the type of son who obeyed. Their interactions consisted not of long "father-to-son" talks, but of short interactions that usually ended with Frances saying, “Yes, sir.” But now that Frances was quickly becoming a young man, he wanted more from his father.
Part of him wanted to talk to his father about all sorts of things like other fathers and sons did. He wanted to talk about baseball, school, girls, Frances’ future, their family history, and more. Another part of Frances wanted to rebel against his father’s orders just to see what would happen, just to get some sort of emotional reaction out of him. Which is how he ended up in the basement. |
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| From Jessica Mae |
Shawn, I used the part that didn't conflict with the whole "curiosity" bit that is so strong in the beginning.
Now accepting final edits. Speak before the end of the month or forever hold your peace. |
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From Curt Sawyer
Website: http://ussexcalibur.blogspot.com |
| Jessica - Can we have a couple of extra days? I've been really, really, really tied up with work all week and into the evening every day this week and would like to try to take a stab at it over the weekend. After I watch Serenity, of course. |
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| From Jessica Mae |
| Absolutely. |
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From Curt Sawyer
Website: http://ussexcalibur.blogspot.com |
| Working on it now...hope to be finished in an hour or two (have to split my attention between this and a teleconference). |
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From Curt Sawyer
Website: http://ussexcalibur.blogspot.com |
I changed the opening paragraph to try and start the character arc you discussed. Let me know what you think...does this put that first bookend on the start of the story?
Frances never had questioned why his father had stacked boxes in front of the fireplace in the basement, or, even more peculiarly, why he insisted that no one touch them. In fact, Frances didn’t ever question what his father said. When Frances’ parents were divorced Frances was only seven. He had lived with his mother until her death seven years later, at which time he moved in with his father. Frances was sure his father still saw him as that seven year old child, however, and not as the fifteen year old he actually was. Over the past year his father had been quick to dismiss Frances, had rarely sought a conversation with him, and as he frequently stated directly to Frances believed that “children should neither be seen nor heard.” Frances quickly found out that his father was the type of man who expected to be obeyed, and Frances had quickly become the type of son who obeyed. Their interactions had consisted not of long "father-to-son" talks, but of short interactions that usually ended with Frances saying, “Yes, sir.” As a result Frances had been constantly on edge, stiff with fear that he would be “seen or heard” and subsequently resented even more by his father. But now that Frances was quickly becoming a young man, he wanted more from his father. Frances was sure that if he could just find the right topic, the right catalyst for conversation with his father they could finally relate as something other than father and young child. They would finally be, while not exactly equals, perhaps compatriots. Then Frances would finally be able to relax around him. |
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