II. Distraction< Previous Chapter | Next Chapter >

The Battle of Christmas 

Happy holidays. I hope you put these days to good use by doing nothing and enjoying any time you have to yourself. (For example, you may choose to read my entire site.)

I'm thrilled that Christmas is here and I've already witnessed my first holiday miracle: C.Sto finally got out of bed. She had a horrible cold last week, but now it seems to be passing. This is excellent for me because she can't use the "but I'm sick!" card anymore. Here is a dramatic reenactment of what I had to endure:

Mom Sto: Can someone do the dishes?
C.Sto: Not me, I'm sick!
Mom Sto: Jessica, do the dishes.
Jessica: But--
C.Sto: (aside) Sucker.

Jessica: Can you help me wrap Dad's present?
C.Sto: But I'm siiiiiiiick.
Jessica: You are helping!
C.Sto: Moooom! Jessica's trying to make me do stuff. (coughs dramatically)
Jessica: You are so going down once you get better.

Dearest C.Sto, Now I'm going to pull the "but I did it last time, it's C.Sto's turn!" card for the next week, and you have no cards left to play. Merry Christmas, sucka.

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Inbox: Lists & Lions 

OK, Jess, so we all know how much you love making lists. But what about C.Sto? Does she have any lists? Thanks and can't wait to see you on the big screen! Brendi Ft. Washington

C.Sto has been working on one specific list for years. I'll call her now to ask her if I can share her life's work.

Jessica: Hey, C3PSto, this chick named Brendi, who we definitely don't hate, wants you to tell her about one of your lists.
C.Sto: Who's Brendi?
Jessica: Brendi lives in a Fort.
C.Sto: You mean a tree house?
Jessica: No, Fort Washington.
C.Sto: That's a city.
Jessica: You're a city.
C.Sto: You're an idiot.
Jessica: You are.
C.Sto: Cool, Jessica.

Anyway, here is C.Sto's list of people who look like lions:

Julia Stiles
Cate Blanchett
The Dad From One World

If you see anyone who looks like a lion call animal control. Then post the name here so that C.Sto can add the individual to her list of lions.

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Black Bess Bonney 

I took a quiz and found out that I am totally a pirate. This quiz is on the Internet and is therefore very accurate. I found only one error in my pirate profile: My pirate name should read CAPTAIN Black Bess Bonney. And don't ask me what a Bonney is, just know that it is badass.

"Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!"

Now that I'm certain of my pirateness, I can finally buy a raft from Target, put a wicked threatening pirate flag on it and pillage Malibu. (Or maybe just some lame premiere that I already have to go to.)

Find out if you are awesome enough to join my band, (group? herd? brigade? troop?) of pirates. After all, I can't bring this ship into Malibu all by me onesies, savvy?

Since you've been warned that I have formed an evil group of pirates, I expect you are already running for your life. Remember to leave your money, jewels and Orlando Bloom posters behind. Unless you don't live near an ocean. Then you are safe. And a landlubber.

Related Photo: When pirates attack! (Featuring Andre)

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Inbox: My Cousin, The Queen of Many Names 

Dear Jessica, what would you look like as a japanese animation, and can you draw a dragon, also can you draw a comic about an annoying person who calls her cousin the queen of england? whatever, Carl McKyye

It's strange, Carl McKyye, that if I rearrange the letters of your name, it spells... I AM LORD VOLDERMORT

Oh wait, it doesn't spell that. It spells Kyle (and your secret last name), meaning that you are my cousin and that you did it in the library with the candlestick holder.

Of course you could have just called me to ask your questions, but e-mailing me is way cooler as it allows me to answer you in front of the global community known as "the world":

Unsurprisingly, I would look awesome as a Japanese animation. Just picture Trinity from The Matrix but way cooler and more cartoonish. And less black leather and more white clothes. And long brown hair. And smarter. And hanging around with hot people all the time. That's one awesome animation.

I can draw a dragon. I can also draw comics. They are really good with stick figures and stuff. How's the mother country? I'm going to ask your Dad to send me a photo of you in your crown for all to see. You can't prevent him from sending it because you are still a minor and therefore bow to me. (And him too. Sometimes.)

Side Note to the World: I like to call Kyle "The Queen of England" because he's 10 and it annoys him. Plus, it's better than his posting alias "BenCarl."

Related Photo: BenCarl's Stab at Revenge (Featuring Me)

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Inbox: Haiku 

Hey Jess, you asked us to write some Haiku for you.

Yes. And, only one person did. I hate you all.

Why don't you write some for us? Scottie, WV


You asked, I deliver. Don't get used to that kind of treatment, though. I'm not some little Haiku puppet here for your own personal amusement. OK, so I am here for your amusement, but I got no strings, ya hear me?

This Haiku is somewhat untraditional because the subject is not about nature and the great outdoors. It is more about the human nature that you discover within, which is as natural as it gets. Prepare yourself because it's really deep:

To be so awesome
Is a crime against nature
So arrest me, fool.

This one refers to this time when I was reading:

Midnight passes me...
Lord of the Rings books open...
Break for sleep? No way.

And this one is about the camping epic I never delivered:

O, Camping Epic,
I should write you brilliantly.
Thwarted!: Writer's block.

Here is the entire camping epic delivered in Haiku form:

Freezing cold rain falls
On roller coaster mountains...
We will die out here.

The rest of the epic will come via photos once I get an hour or so to put them on the site. Which will probably be never. Or maybe this weekend.

Haiku me back, yo. Perhaps we will all graduate to Limericks in the coming weeks. I'm working on one now. It's about how months after Christmas my Mom still has not shipped me the Gamecube that C.Sto got me. WTF is up with that, M.Sto?!

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Jessica vs. The Goo Monster 

The Internet villainy alert has been upgraded to fuchsia. Terror imminent!

As usual, I was right. Kyle and the Digibyte Kid were plotting a supremely evil plan. First, they created a Goo Monster, then, they sent me a video to show me what will happen to me when they deliver the Goo Monster to me via FedEx. It will probably come on Valentine's Day and I will think, "Oh, goodie! Flowers!" or, "Candy!" I will open it and... Well, you can watch the rest.

Jessica vs. The Goo Monster(wmv file)

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Good Gunn Hunting 

I'm not the only one at JSDC who gets mail. The following is an example of The Gunn's correspondence.

> Subject: (no subject)
> From: Chattypigangel551@aol.com
> To: webmaster@jessicastover.com
> u r so0o0o0o0o ugly,i would never date U! ugly thing.

Dear Pig -- I mean Angel -- I mean Chatty Pig Angel,

I am truly gratified that you think that I'm ugly, given that you have no
idea what I really look like!

But seeing as how you communicate electronically in "AOL-speak" and have
no idea what proper grammar looks like, I would place your age at about 14
years, which is much too young for me anyways. So I hope you take comfort
in knowing that I, too, would "never date U!"

Have a nice day, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your stay on

The Gunn

P.S. AOL 4.0 was obsolete about 5 years ago, so you might want to think
about upgrading soon.

Diss! The Gunn is an Internet genius and if you come at him, he will totally make fun of how stupid you are and how you need to upgrade everything on your computer. My Webmaster's wicked smart.

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Inbox: Day of Questions 

The following are e-mails that I received today. TODAY! In one day, I received all of this madness. And, this is only a sample. People are smart, and I am an expert on everything.

I have the house to myself wooo hooo wanna come over? -- John
If your name is on the following list then I will definitely come over. And bring popcorn. And a movie for us to watch. Check the list for your name.

hey jess i know i have asked you this before, but i need 2 know how 2 french kiss. i know you stick in your tongue..but ..i mean what do you do once its in there??? -- Amber
French!? That is totally played out. It's called "Freedom kissing" and has been for some time. The new thing is Eskimo kissing. I think it's like something tribal, or something. It involves rubbing your noses together like cute little puppies until everyone around you dry heaves.

Have you been on a date lately? If not will you go out with me? -- Jim
Not really and see question one.

Do you like the color blue? -- Bethany
Yes. Unless it is a blue goo monster. Then I hate it because I fear the goo.

Where has CSto been lately? I've noticed that she's not on the site. -- Mark
She was getting too famous so I locked her in the wine cellar at Stover Mancha. Of course, now M.Sto will probably let her out and she will be drunk from drinking too much wine. Then she will go to jail for underage drinking. So I still win.

What do Queen Kyle and the Digibyte Kid look like?!!? They sound hott!!!! -- Sara
They look like evil super villains. Except they wear boy scout uniforms instead of costumes. (You guys should get capes, or something.) I don't think they are allowed to date yet, Sara, so you'll have to wait until they finish evil villain puberty.

You really are awesome. Why are you so awesome? -- Matt
Some are born into awesomeness, some have awesomeness thrust upon them and some work their whole lives to achieve awesomeness. I'm the first. It took me a long time to embrace my destiny, (I never asked to be awesome, after all,) but I have finally come to terms with it.

Have you ever thought about becomming a Ninja? -- Marie
Only to spy on the other Ninjas because I'm a Pirate and Pirates hate Ninjas. Ninjas are likes cats and fear the water, so they can't get to us on our ships even though we can totally infiltrate their dojos.

Why is The Gunn's identity a secret? -- Carrie
Because he is a world famous hacker and all of his hacker friends would make fun of him if they knew he was a webmaster. (Hackers hate Webmasters just like Ninjas hate Pirates.)

How many posts backs do you read the comments on? -- Risken
All of them. I read my entire site daily. You should too. Then get a new name... like... Ted. That would be most excellent.

Jess I love you man. Why don't you come up in Google anymore? -- Jenni
Because Google fucking sucks.

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