XII. Dilly< Previous Chapter | Next Chapter >

Standard Snob 

Friday night I went to the Downtown Standard. (A tries-too-hard-to-be-modern rooftop lounge above the hotel.) I’m not the biggest fan of downtown L.A. and the crowd could have been better, but I was with friends who always make any location fun so it was worth going to hang out with them.

My comedienne pal, Trish, and I were in the bathroom talking about something. I can’t recall the exact subject, but I’m sure it was highly important and intellectual. Perhaps it was women’s rights in the Middle East or child welfare. Or my awesome leg warmers. Anyway, I was weighing both sides of said forgotten issue. Trish's opinion slanted more to one side. We moved into our individual stalls and continued the conversation. Then, Some Woman jumped in and began heatedly arguing the opposite point of view with Trish. I shut-up while they continued to debate as I found the intruding voice to be rather obnoxious.

Their conversation stopped. Tri and I both exited the stalls at the same time and headed over to the sinks to wash our hands and touch up our make-up. At this point I was totally being British, which includes speaking with my spot-on British dialect. (This often occurs when I go out at night and makes me 45.30928390283% more awesome.)

Jessica: I wonder what time it is?
Familiar Voice: (from off-screen) You guys are annoying. You’re terrible.
Jessica and Trish turn in unison to see Some Woman, the conversation interrupter, standing in the doorway.
Jessica: (to Trish) Did she just call us annoying? Who does that.
Trish: (to Some Woman, noting her accent) Are you French? Are you French and you called us annoying?
Jessica: This is exactly why England is not on the Euro.
Trish: You look like an older, fatter version of Rosie Perez!
Jessica snorts, stifles a laugh.

And with that, OF Rosie rolled her stupid, snobby French eyes and exited. Trish started to follow OF Rosie in order to continue assailing her with her clever quips, but:

Jessica: Wait, Tri--I’m putting on lip-gloss!

I later thought that we should have pushed OF Rosie into the pool, as I’m certain that her OFA could not swim.

Related Photo: Smells like plastic.

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If No One Were Looking 

Do you ever wonder
Why it’s not appropriate to climb things?
Trees, drainpipes, lattices and such…
I think it is all perfectly acceptable.

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Knee High 

BAM! I serve up entries so fast you can’t keep up, son.

Anyway, one of my friends called me yesterday. I didn’t answer my phone, (I was screening my calls,) so she left me the following voicemail:

“Jessica, I’m calling you to tell you that I saw someone wearing legwarmers today and it looked really good. I guess you were right: They are back in and they can look awesome. Call me back and tell me where you bought yours. Bye!”

Ha! Take that, everyone who made fun of me back in VA for wearing legwarmers! I am certifiably awesome. I’ve been wearing legwarmers since last spring and now they are going mainstream. People in CA stop me to tell me how wicked rad they look. Furthermore, anyone who missed the ‘80s definitely has the right to wear legwarmers as much as they like without censure. I mean, they’re like socks, but totally better because they go over your shoe. And that, my friend, is hella cool.

Related Photo: Legwarmers J.Sto

PS: I am totally not telling anyone where I get my legwarmers.

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Ode to a Fauxhawk 

O' mighty Fauxhawk,
Perched on head of hot guy walking Melrose,
You are awesome.
You speak wonders
Of the inside of a persons head:
He will go surfing later
(I am sure of it)
But is he preppy or is he punk?
That I cannot tell.
You confuse identities,
Delight me with mystery!
Not a Mohawk, not a regular ‘do;
You are the grey area of hair.
A maverick of locks, if you will.
Dude, Fauxhawk, you are
Mighty. Hot.

The fauxhawk is the best hairstyle ever. It definitely cancels out the ridiculousness of a mullet. While a mullet is ugly, annoying and says that it’s owner is probably of white trash decent, a fauxhawk is hella hot and says that it’s owner is a mystery mix of prep and punk. And perhaps sporty. And it shows he's hella hot. Twice.

I first became aware of the fauxhawk when David Beckham sported the look during the 2002 World Cup. The FH increased Beck’s hotness by approx. 23.49584903829485%, which is amazing as he is already 200% hot. (BTW: The Standard International Scale of Hotness, SISH, spans from 0% to 100%.) Since the DB FH, I have rarely spotted the fauxhawk in my daily life. After all, not every cocky-thinks-he’s-a-hottie can sport the FH. It takes a certain personality to own the look.

This link explains the fauxhawk phenomenon and features a related Beckham photo. Warning, a proper FH will make you lose your shit. I’ve seen it happen.

I am now accepting fauxhawk haiku. That’s awesome.

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Jessica: I like the song California by Phantom Planet. (From The O.C.)
C3PSto: Yeah I know you do.
C3PSto: The OC is so popingay.
Jessica: Yeah it is, but don't hold that against California. Plus, the song is about driving to Cali and everyone knows that driving songs are 18.34932849023809% more awesome than most other songs.
Jessica: The 101 is mentioned…
Jessica: And PCH... That is totally helpful if you get lost. (Unlike the song Maps which, surprisingly, cannot help you get anywhere.)
Jessica: Dude, there are a lot of songs about California.
Jessica: Another good one is Road Trippin’ by the Chili Peppers. I never realized what “blue, you sit so pretty west of the one” meant until I moved here. Free Fallin' is another good Cali song.
Jessica: And I think California Love by 2Pac et cetera mentions every 'hood in the Los Angeles area… Not to mention my fools in NWA holding it down for Compton and Snoop reppin’ LBC.
C3PSto: yeah yeah
C3PSto: CA sucks. I don’t know why people write songs about it.
C3PSto: They should write about VA, and the Beltway, and 95.
Jessica: But, there's nothing freeing about the beltway and 95. I mean it's just one big annoying circle.
Jessica: There are other things in VA that are worthy of being written about, though.
Jessica: People come out CA for so many different reasons. It’s a big adventure, (especially if you drive across the country to get here,) so the experience is written about frequently. Plus, many songwriters work in LA at some point. Write what you know, you know?
C3PSto: Well diplomats come here for so many different reasons.
C3PSto: Who's more important, diplomats from other countries or some random pot heads that drive around writing songs?
Jessica: Don’t diplomats go to DC not VA?
C3PSto: Same difference.
Jessica: The DC… (Turn the song on...)

Driving in the rain
Just got off the plane
Going to make some global change
Washington DC, here we come
Our security guard’s got a gun

Pull up at the hotel
Phone Senator Cochell
Sell secrets that we shouldn’t tell
Washington DC, here we come
Where Diplomats are number one

Washington DC... Here we come!

Turn on the radio
Speeding as we go
Straight to Capital Hill for lunch
Washington DC, here we come
Diplomatic license plates are fun

Americans have no clue
What we're here to do
Buy your politicians now
Washington DC here we come,
Where dirty business is done

Washington DC... Here we come!
C3PSto: lol
C3PSto: hahaha
C3PSto: Dude how did you write that in 30 seconds?
Jessica: Next up: The NoVA.
On I-95
Cars go slip and slide
Sleet and snow mixed outside
Virginia, here we come
Right back where we started from…

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C.Sto and I have been rewriting the English language since three past lives ago. Now, for the first time ever, you too can speak with our wicked improved English by using these hella cool slang words:

Popingay: A vain, talkative person.
Example: You shut your mouth, popingay!

Bumptious: An attractive person.
Example: That guy is bumptious. I be wantin’ to get me a piece of that. Maybe two.

Sycophant: A servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people.
Example: P.Diddy is so totally a sycophant that it’s, like, not even funny.

Jacqueminot: So extremely weird that it's rare.
Example: You stepped on my foot, you jacqueminot foolio!

Popsicle Gangstah: A gay male who is also a gangstah.
Example: Dude, check out those Popsicle Gangstahs by the bar.

Alcochocolate: A hot beverage consisting of chocolate, milk and a shot of Bailey’s alcoholic Irish Crème.
Example: Oh man, I am SO wasted off this Alcochocolate.

Lenten: Of, related or suitable to be given up for Lent.
Example: This Alcochocolate is hella Lenten.

Dag yo, that list is definitely too legit.

Cross-reference: www.dictionary.com


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Inbox: Chewy 

Hey, can you figure out how I can record you doing your Chewbaca (sp?) impression on my cell phone so I can assign it as my ring tone? Thanks.


Listen: My Chewy Impression

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People here will tell you things:

“You have to pay your dues.”

“It’s all about who you know.”

“It’s seniority so you have to wait, but then when you’re on top, it’s worth it.”

I’ve paid dues. I’ve known people. I’ve been at the top and bottom of seniority systems.

“Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like in order to do what you want.”


I’m saying, why would you do anything but what you actually want to do?

Why is that a rule?

That seems stupid to me and is hereby undone.
There is nothing under the sun that cannot be done today.
Yes, it is hereby undone, I say!
Because you can do what you do today.

There is no great(er) prize waiting after the next sunset. The reward is the day: Not what comes after it.

I truly should stop listening to other people
And listen to myself.

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Struggling Through Space 

… Stretch! Feels good, right?

True Stories:

Flying to VA on Saturday for nine day stint of eating, movies and watching movies while eating. (Stover Mancha. Woot.)

This past Sunday saw the police nab two criminals at Starbucks. Entire “Keep your hands where we can see them!” action complete with helicopters circling above. Why do strange things always happen to me at the Gower Gulch Starbucks? Maybe is portal to other dimension. Must investigate further.

Actually watched news in attempts to get story of Gower Gulch caper. Was not covered on news. Apprently, in Los Angeles, someone must get shot in order for news station to be interested.

Have completely lost summer tan. Dagnabbit.

Am not sure how one actually spells “Dangnabiit.” Is probably meant to be said and not spelled.

Did not win lottery today. Suspect that if lottery tickets were sold at the Gower Gulch Starbucks, then would definitely win.

Am close(r) to finishing screenplay. Need more time in day for scene analysis and rehearsals because am devoting every second to writing.

Really miss playing team sports/open water swimming. Can’t wait to go snowboarding, horseback riding, hiking, camping and anything else away from the city that may result in death.

Am talking on cell phone too much. Will probably have cancer in right side of brain. Perhaps will make me brilliant writer or incredibly powerful smart guy such as in case of John Travolta in Phenomenon.

Why do the majority of the people who read this site never post? I know you’re there. I can see you. (Have magical brain tumor, remember?)

So, what is the weirdest medieval torture you’ve ever heard of?

Seriously. I don’t have time to research it.

In fact, can someone please spell check this for me? Thank you. Oh yes and bring me some hot chocloate and do my laundry. Gooddaytoyou.

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Rose Colored 

Sometimes I think about that guy
In Back to the Future
Who wears the 3D glasses...
Yeah. That guy is cool.

Where can I get me some of them 3D shades?

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Jet Blue now has MTV, which made my flight home approximately 43.7% less annoying since it was super early and I was able to watch “Wake-Up Videos.” I love Britney’s video for My Prerogative. I love it. I love it. I know you reproach me because I love it, but I love it. I know it’s a Madonna rip off, but I love it. Love the song. Love the video. LOVE IT.

And, for the record, this past weekend in VA I got stuck going into a gas station barefoot. So, either:
A. I am "white trash" like Britney.
B. It could happen to anyone.
C. George Bush is a woman.
D. Gnomes stole my shoes.
E. Come to a complete stop.
F. There is no “F” in multiple choice, stupid.

You better have picked “B,” foolio. Because, if I’m white trash and I’m smarter than thou, then what does that make thou? Eh? That’s right: It makes you Canadian!
(The above is totally true because it is a disjunctive syllogism.)

Speaking of Canadians, I also noticed that there is a Sasquatch in the new Beastie Boys video. This is pisser because Sasquatch can, like, cook them dinner and, like, play Pong with them and, like, totally swat down anything they throw up at any basketball hoop. This song is also awesome due to the lyric “What the Hell-en of Troy is that!?”


Now check me out in The Mummy.

“I'll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch!”

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I’m at a Place Called Vertigo 

"Donde esta?"


So far VA is the same as always:

1.) I’m just as awesome as I always was.

2.) C.Sto is just as anal as I remember:
C.Sto: Get off my bed!
Jessica: Why?
C.Sto: You are contaminating it.
Jessica: No I’m not.
C.Sto: Yeah huh last time you laid on it I got sick! I’m changing my pillowcases.
Jessica: I’m not even leaning on your pillowcases.
C.Sto: So what. Get off my bed! Get your feet of my bed!
Jessica: I don’t have shoes on.
C.Sto: So? You’re messing it up! You always mess all my stuff up,
Jessica: By sitting on it?
C.Sto: YES!

3.) The Grizz is still good at chess and interested in telescopes. He beat me at chess earlier, although I don’t think I played too badly. (And he may have been inventing rules. I had never heard of “Castel-ing.”) Next he and I looked at his telescope magazines while I tried to recall which galaxies we studied in 9th grade Earth Science: (The Magellic Clouds! I rule.)

4.) There is still no ocean here. (Dammit.)

5.) M.Sto still makes a rad black-forest cake.

The only three things that are different are:
1.) Peanut Stover has lost a few lbs.

2.) M.Sto put the wrong candle in my guest room and I had to switch all the candles in the house around so that they are in the correct rooms and formations.

3.) SNL is better when in VA. Did you see that last U2 performance? I finally saw it and WOW. I mean, dude, it was pisser.

And to my dear friend, Prof. Clinto Bean, who does not like U2 so much and will object to the punctuation in this sentence, I have to tell you openly, in front of all the galaxies in the universe, including the Magellic Clouds, that if Bono says it goes “Unos, Dos, Tres, Catorce!” that you will not question him, but instead adopt this new form of Spanish counting because it is obviously right and good.

PS: I checked and there are no 3D shades in the entire state of VA. (Thwarted.)

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