Inbox: April Foolio 

Man, I am 2 Tired, 2 Jet Lagged. (That's the sequel to The Tired and the Jet Lagged, which is probably my favorite Paul Walker movie.)

Jessica, You crazy girl! Do you ever play any jokes on April Fool's Day? -- Bentany

No. I like to pull out pranks when no one is expecting them. April Fool's Day is amateurs' night. I'm a pro. I don't play those baby pranks. My pranks take years to come full circle, but they are always well worth the wait. I have a primo prank in mid-cycle at this very moment. It started when I was born and is dedicated to C.Sto. I can't wait to see the look on her face. I don't want to say when it's going to go down because that will give it away... Let's just say C.Sto better watch her back while she's in her '50s.

I know you are going to ask, so here is what has happened since I have been in Virginia:

C.Sto and M.Sto have gotten into 10.2 fights. Most of these have been about really important things, such as what's for lunch or who's on the computer.

C.Sto finally got a passport. In related news, C.Sto finally filled out a form.

We watched Hellboy with The Grizz. That movie officially sucks. If they make 2 Hell, 2 Boy, I'm quitting the industry.

The Gunn came by Stover Mancha for lunch.

I got sassy with some lady at a bridal shop who tried to step to me and Tiffy about our bridesmaid's shoes. She was so not fashionable. I think she was wearing a Mumu tricked out like a dress. She sucks.

Here is the conversation which occurred at 1:00 AM the night I arrived. M.Sto and C.Sto were forced to pick me up. Because we're related. (Airport rule!)

Jessica: I don't like that new N.E.R.D. video--
C.Sto: I haven't seen it.
Jessica: The one with their heads bobbing around? It's all... red.
C.Sto: Didn't you see Pharrell, like, last week?
Jessica: Yeah. At the Four Seasons. He's not tall.
M.Sto: Who's Pharrell?
Jessica: From the Neptunes and N.E.R.D. They are producers and performers--
C.Sto: (dramatically) Have you ever heard a song on the radio?
M.Sto: Yes?
C.Sto: They made the beat.
(pause)
Jessica: Dude, C.Sto, that was lame and lamer.
M.Sto: Is this a turn lane?
C.Sto: No.
Jessica: No it's a straight lane. You don't need to get over.
M.Sto gets over.
C.Sto: Mom it's a straight lane.
M.Sto: No it's not.
Jessica: Yes it is. The right turn lane is the one next to it. With the
arrow.
C.Sto: Yeah Mom stop freaking out.
Jessica: Yeah you have no faith. Plus, I think you're blind. You need new glasses.
M.Sto: I do NOT need new glasses.
C.Sto: Your doctor told you yesterday that you need new glasses!
(beat)
M.Sto: Those are only for the computer.
C.Sto: Mom, seriously, pick a lane!
Jessica: Haha, Mom can't drive.
(beat)
Jessica: Turn on the radio.
C.Sto: No! She'll get distracted while she's listening to her freaky Celtic music.
M.Sto: It's NOT Celtic. (beat) It's Bolivian.
(beat)
Jessica: (to C.Sto)Why would we be listening to Mom's music?

Dear Watcher, beware! Somewhere, a lady with good computer glasses and poor driving glasses is cruising around to the sound of Bolivian-Celtic music and confusing her turn lanes. And, worst of all, she doesn't know what N.E.R.D. is. Authorities say that if you see this woman you should immediately disarm her of all Bolivian-Celtic and Shaggy CDs, then report her to the hallway monitor, stop, drop and roll, and take a bite out of crime.

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