Vanities Can Get You Killed 

Or at least robbed.

I have no love for magazines. In general, they suck. I flip through the trades and sometimes look at stills from my favorite films but that’s the end of my involvement. However, while perusing Vanity Fair a headline caught my eye...

Nightmare on Sunset

What?! WTF?! I live damn close to Sunset! What is this nightmare you speak of?

“There has been a recent increase of burglaries in fancy LA homes in the hills.”

Oh. Cool.

I had heard snatches of stories about distraction crimes and follow-home hold-ups (the latter is extra scary), but most notably the article introduced me to,

The Bel-Air Burglar.

Yes, I had heard of him. He’s smooth. Ninja smooth. He’s robbed over fifty mansions and made off with so much jewelry and other valuables that he’s believed to be a thrill robber. Hence, I dub him The Bel-Air Pyrate. (No alliteration but still more rad.)

Guard your rum.

Part of what is freaky about the mansion robberies is that the crews or the Bel-Air Pyrate know when people will be away. (The Pyrate in particular has hit the houses of celebrities, producers and other industry folks.) They know which windows don’t have motion censors. They know when valuable jewelry is hidden in a closet under a laundry basket and disturb nothing else. They know which of your pearl necklaces are real and leave the fakes. This is almost as scary as Santa who “knows when you are sleeping” and “knows when you’re a awake.” Although, he usually leaves things when he breaks in instead of taking them…

Much like Santa, these robbers aren’t drug addicts. They’re smart guys who clip your phone lines and know how much time they have before your private security company responds. All of the above begs the question: When you have so much money that you are a target and so many people employed at your home that your day-to-day might as well be broadcast to the world, how do you protect yourself?

You get yourself some Ninjas and some guard dogs, that's what you do. Both have insane amounts of honor and/or loyalty. Plus, Ninjas auto-hate Pyrates due to the age-old war between their peoples. You should also learn to use at least one object in every room as a deadly weapon.

Part of me wants to root for the Bel-Air Pyrate because he’s straight out of a movie. For now, the ending to the story remains open to your imagination since the police are baffled, understaffed, practically lead-less...

There is something to be said for having no thing that anyone would want to take away.

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