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Want Ad
WANTED: Rich Feminist
Employer: W.O.M.E.N.
Start date: Immediate
Location: Virginia
Details:
W.O.M.E.N., Women Organized Monitoring Equality Neutrality, is a group representing the physical, emotional and psychological health of 4,121,171 patriot women accounting for 50.9% of the population in the Commonwealth of Virginia. By extension, we also represent the interests of their families, employees, doctors and all supporters of the Constitution of the United States.
Females, who are neither a minority nor inferior in any intellectual quality, hold just 1% of the world's wealth, hold less than 3% of clout positions in US media, less than 17% of Congress and at current rates will not achieve parity in the lifetime of even the youngest citizen alive today. Throughout history this disparity has been crafted, enforced and exploited across cultures and societies, most recently in America by groups who, in their pursuit of power, forgot that part of agreeing to the premise of American citizenship includes a separation of church and state. For instance, in an obscure case in 1973, the United States Supreme Court deemed abortion a fundamental right under the United States Constitution. Currently, a political movement self-styled "The Grand Old Party" has a religious "social conservative" cell south of the Mason-Dixon Line that meets in Richmond, Virginia. This group has publicly declared themselves a threat against the rights of the population identifying as W.O.M.E.N., engaging in such legislation to that end.
In preparation of just such a threat and societal relapse, we have developed an innovative program to address the assault on W.O.M.E.N.'s rights and are currently in need of a Rich Feminist to begin immediately.
Qualifications:
1. Personhood*
2. Rich
3. Considered legally sane to write a check
Job Responsibilities:
You will give us money and then we will use the money to complete the following three initiatives.
PHASE ONE: THE SEXODUS
Your funding will put into action the mass exodus and resettlement of Virginian women who are fleeing the most draconian state laws in existence, as well as funding the escape of their supporters, to the socially progressive state of Mississippi, which unlike Virginia recently ruled in favor of women's health, defeating conservative measure No. 26.
We have already spoken personally with every Mississippi resident and they are eagerly awaiting the surge of women to their state. Our plan continues thus: In the first year of The Sexodus, Mississippi will become the first state to have a 75%-to-25% female-to-male ratio. By year two, Silicon Valley, an area with the opposite sex demographics, will sense possible incentives to keep their in-house talent and will relocate to Mississippi. Under this pairing, and in addition to its new, highly-ranked family health statistics, advancements by female entrepreneurs and traditional local catfish farming, the state will be noticed for its high-quality singles culture, lowest instances of "Forever Alone" grumbling, incredible wireless infrastructure and a burgeoning economy climbing international rankings.
With boosts to preventative planning and education and access to contraception and healthcare, Mississippi will soon boast the highest health rates and the lowest abortion rates on the planet, and through the next cycle of local elections will become the first state to have parity in public leadership.
By year three Mississippi will have reached economic ownership parity between men and women, as well as the lowest unemployment rate per southern state and the highest GNH "gross national happiness" index in the history of the United States of America, leading to a time known as "The New Golden Era of the Deep South". In a historic instance, the state will be forced to close its borders due to an unsustainable influx of new residents.
Although it will be difficult to say goodbye to the beautiful, rolling blue hills of the Shenandoah Valley, the rushing white roar of Great Falls, the monuments to dead patriarchs of Virginia and the constant battery on legal contraception and women's rights; our Virginia scholars and entrepreneurs are ready to stroll through downtown Jackson with friends and family, hike and fish along the Mississippi River while surfing our advanced smart phones and, as new Mississipians, together usher in this age of Golden opportunity as we escape Virginia and embrace the superior intellectualism and social progressivism of the Magnolia State.
PHASE TWO: REPRODUCTIVE EQUALITY
Meanwhile, back in Virginia, during The Sexodus, your funding will continue the work of our award-winning lab which is situated on the retired and rennevated USS Freedom landing ship formerly owned by the US Navy and currently positioned in the waters off of Jamestown. After Gloria Steinam's well-documented discovery of the DBAG gene, our W.O.M.E.N. scientists have had great success with male pregnancy in mice, rats and sheep, and are growing close to making it possible for DBAG gene carriers, typically old, rich white men from Virginia - widely acknowledged to be those incentivized most by involvement with the southern GOP cell - to become impregnated via remote Wi-Fi.
It's time that these men had the opportunity to, at their own financial cost, be penetrated in at least one sensitive orifice against their wishes for no medically useful reason in a potentially scarring way by a legally mandated transvaginal ultrasound wand shaped like male genitalia.
We believe it is important for these DBAG lawmakers to have the same advantages as the women they once legislated over. Thus, as an olive branch extended from Mississippi, W.O.M.E.N. will not rest until the following, perfect level of equality is acheived for any Virginia men carrying the DBAG gene.
After a DBAG mutation is introduced to the Virginia public water system via chemical runoff from various paper factories that return to the US from China after the GOP's erosion of the EPA makes domestic manufacturing cheaper, Virginia's crumbling Wi-Fi infrastructure will be used under protection of the Patriot Act to track DBAG carriers. Each carrier will be mailed a password which is required to activate and access their reproductive ability. Like all advanced systems, this password can be hacked. Also the password is "nomeansyes". If an impregnated carrier seeks an abortion for any reason, they will legally not be able to say "no" to their orifices meeting with a transvaginal wand, as will their doctors be unable to say "no" without breaking the law, an experience many influential Virginian men have apparently longed for. An external ultrasound will also be forced at their cost, even though at that early stage of pregnancy an external ultrasound shows nothing but muscle, yet another forced, expensive experience these particular men have been deprived of for too long.
In the wake of The Sexodus, we have also arranged for some women to return to Virginia as a part of our equality squad that will reverse the wage gap with DBAG carrying men at the disadvantage, introduce a mutation to increase breast cancer in DBAG men, limit access to reproductive planning and education, healthcare, and legal contraceptives for DBAG men as well as create an atmosphere of general misandry in order to gift the full experience women have for so long enjoyed while men were forced to go without.
PHASE THREE: MISSVIRGINISSI
Four years into our plan, the wealthy state of Mississppi will annex Virginia, which, surprisingly, will have become a woman-less, doctor-less, economically broke, polluted and depopulated graveyard, in order to form the new state of Missvirginissi. With the annex of more land, the state's borders will be reopened.
While we dismantle the facades of the heroic legacy DBAG carrying lawmakers tried to build for themselves so they wouldn't be forgotten prior to driving The Old Dominion into a cultural and economic apocalypse - including the demolition of the bronze statue former Governor and DBAG Bob McDonnell had built of himself accompanied with engraved words "I will sign it " - you will be called for a photo shoot!
In recognition of your contribution to W.O.M.E.N., the state flag of Missvirginissi will feature you as Virtus, the genius of our reinstated joint-Commonwealth, dressed as an Amazon, heroically signing a check with your right hand and holding in your left hand a sheathed transvaginal wand. Your left foot will pin the form of Tyranny: Former Virginia GOP House Majoirty Leader Delegate C. Todd Gilbert, who died a year prior of complications and shame while attempting a self-abortion with a coat hanger after being remotely impregnated by "Anonymous". Above you and within the flag's border shall be the word, "Missvirginissi" and in the space below, on a curved line, shall be the motto, "Sic Semper Tyrannis!"
C. Todd Gilbert dies in 2016 after being impregnated remotely by Anonymous
Applications will be reviewed under strict confidence. Apply today and secure your space in history just in time for March: Women's History Month! W.O.M.E.N. is an EOE.
*"personhood" defined as being a human or Super Pac, i.e. not a zygote
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